Only human

My eyes opened wide seeing I had 1000 unread publications when I logged back on to my account here. I knew it had been a while, but that number in my inbox all but screamed just how long. My reason for taking months to step back from writing after trying to commit to regular writing? I’m only human with only so much brain space. So much has been happening lately that I felt like this blissful writing retreat wasn’t actually blissful, nor was it accessible to me during this time, and I think acknowledging that is important. Even if it’s just for myself.

I could not imagine getting to a place where something I wrote outside my personal journal was worthy of something I should send out to you. Why should I take a space in inboxes when my heart wasn’t in it? It was hard for me to admit it at first, but now I’m unearthing grace and ease knowing that forcing something never works anyway.

We bought our first home and with that comes immense joy, pride, happiness, overwhelm, expenses, energy-consumption, and dozens of other new emotions and things to navigate (you wouldn’t believe all I know about chimneys now). In parallel across the same span of months, I was working nonstop on a leadership summit that ramped up in intensity as it grew closer. I continued to travel all around the country during work-life and home-life peak mayhem. It was a lot.

I mean that in a good way - I’m so grateful for these experiences and the result of my hard work, which I believe has led to this Sunday night justification. Being only human means living a life that gets busy, tumultuous, wonderful, rewarding. In some tragic moments, it means heartbreak and grief for people I love dearly.

But what I gleamed from this hiatus was 1) how fortunate I am to have my support system who all understood what was happening and kept arms wide open; and 2) when I was ready to come back to write a few words, I was humbled with how the writer world went on with everyone still here, still putting their all into captivating us with their craft. It made me smile, miss them, beam for them, aspire to be like them, and it reminded me to not hold back whenever that fire is lit (maybe more of a tiny ember tonight but here I am anyway). I am so proud of myself for writing on here again even though it felt so raw and uncomfortable to do. For a moment I wondered if I should just throw all this out the window because what is the point?

The point is the journey and finding peace with the ebb and flow. The point is being content with pivoting and prioritizing. I know that in my heart I will write when I can and when it feels cathartic, but I can’t commit to that as often as I originally intended to. Acceptance of this truth is empowering and takes such a weight off. I appreciate you for following along and helping lift that. Cheers to being only human together <3